I only have Dean’s EI notes from this week, because I worked from home so I was there for all of his ABA sessions. Dean did really well this past week when I worked from home, but I think it also has to do with being put down for longer naps and staying up a bit later. His face has matured so much, but still holds that squish-able cheeks. He is such a foodie and will try anything you put down in front of him. He dislikes fast food, but loves pizza. He is my whole world and I couldn’t imagine living life without him now that I have him and have gotten to know him. There is a special bond between a mother and a child, but the bond can be just as strong with any family member. We aren’t close just because I breastfed him. We are close because I put in the time to nurture that relationship. I have spent my every spare waking moment with him. It’s suffocating at times and frustrating, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
8/13/18 – Speech
Dean was repeating a lot yesterday. We don’t know when or what he will repeat. Dean was seen at home. He had a better weekend and better session with Anne from HMEA this am. Dean required a lot of input after his session with HMEA. HE enjoyed being upside down and swung. He did two beads and closed doors on pop toy, but was not happy about any of it. He vocalized, but nothing repeated or understandable.
- Next week – team for assessment and HMEA add sources to IFSP.
It’s really hard being a mother. I think it’s gotten even harder since Dean was diagnosed with Autism. I go through phases of blaming myself, my genes, the hospital staff, and the way he was delivered. I get my hopes up and then I get filled with hope. It’s a roller coaster and with every up there is a down. And I don’t know where the ground is anymore. I feel so out of touch with reality. I’m stuck in this world of trying to communicate with my son to see if he knows me at all. I think he does, I hope he does. I don’t know what goes on in his head or how I can help. I frustrate him. I make him laugh. I make him cry. I don’t know if I’m ever doing the right thing, but I try. Everyone tells me what a great mother I am and they have never seen someone put as much into an autistic child as I. It doesn’t make me feel better. I still feel so lost. A ship without a moor.
I don’t know what I’m doing half the time, but I’m just trying to gain some sort of ground. I just want to be there for my son and help him. I want him to be a success, not a success story. I just want him to feel normal.